Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
