A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
