I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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