I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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