I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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