I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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