Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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