Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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