I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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