I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
