Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
