I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
