This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
is this the sara with the beer cane?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
