While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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