Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
