don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
