I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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