Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
this hospital has no fireball
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
