he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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