Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
