I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
