the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
