guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
