this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
