I'm gonna have a badass scar
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
