I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
