Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
