I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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