i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize