I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
