Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize