The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
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I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
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Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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