I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
