broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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