That's intense
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
