Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
