I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
