If that was your dad, he is hot
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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