My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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