My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
