I accidentally had phone sex last night
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
