I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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