I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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