She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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