The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
