watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
