So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
