woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
