remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
