If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
