Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I didn't notice because vodka
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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