Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
