You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
