I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
