If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
