He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
