when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
