I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
