I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
