Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
